Funny Jokes in English

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
- Anonymous

Usher: “Bride or Groom?” Wedding Guest: It should be perfectly obvious I’m neither! four weddings and a funeral.

I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.
- Jim parsons

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.
- Jimmy Kimmel

There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.
- Graham Chapman

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
- Les Dawson

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.
- Jerry Seinfeld

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
- Phyllis Diller

Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to. - Bill Murray

Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.
- Bill Murray

clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
- Mark Twain

Bob: Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately. Peter: I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, bob.

Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.
- Merkin Muffley

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?